Many wives feel that they cannot respect their husbands because their husbands are not worthy of respect.  This is a terrible situation for any wife.  Peter wrote to first-century Christian wives, and wives today, “even if your husband does not obey the Word they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wife when they behold your respectful behavior…” (1 Pet. 3:1-2, emphasis added).  It should be emphasized that in the book “Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs,” husbands are encouraged to give unconditional love and wives are encouraged to give unconditional respect.  So, even if you feel that your spouse does not deserve or has not earned your love or respect, you should give it anyway.  Remember, we have done nothing to deserve our salvation, but Christ gave that to us while we were still sinners (Romans 5:8). 

Now, let’s return to our song about respect.   Aretha Franklin spelled out R-E-S-P-E-C-T and then sang out, “find out what it means to me.”  Rev. Larry Stockstill is a distinguished pastor and author from Bethany Church in Baton Rouge, La.  He once wrote, “Respect for a husband, according to that verse, is based not upon his “performance” but his “position.”  God made him to be head and leader of his family whether he knows it or not.  Treat him that way, regardless of his faults, flaws, and failures, and you have a real chance of winning him to Christ.”  I don’t think any woman can do this on her own.  However, I know that a wife of noble character as described in Proverbs 31 can partner with the Holy Spirit and do this and much more. 

Some women read Proverbs 31:23, “Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land,” and wonder was the Proverbs 31 woman’s husband a man worthy of respect when they got married or did he change into a well-respected man during their marriage?  Hillary Bernstein, Christian author and blogger, suggests, “Instead of wondering what comes first – a husband or a well-respected man –we need to be more concerned about how we are helping our husbands and treating them with respect.”

Dr. Gary Chapman wrote THE book on Christian marriages, “The Five Love Languages:  The Secret To Love That Lasts.”  Dr. Chapman identifies the five love languages as words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts.  Many wives assume that the preferred love language for their husband is physical touch, and this may be true, but some wives may fail to recognize the importance of words of affirmation for their husbands if they focus on physical touch.

If a wife demeans or disrespects her husband, he will likely feel either anger or despair.  He may quit on the marriage, look for opportunities to leave or stay gone for extended periods of time, use drugs or alcohol as a means of escape, or look for another woman that makes him “happy” and gives him the respect that he is desperately, although foolishly, seeking. 

A better option for women is to encourage their husbands.  His efforts may fall short of your expectations, but they will never measure up if you don’t notice his effort.  Find out what is important to him and try to respect those things.  Hint:  His job, hobbies, and mother are likely very important to him.  Make a mental picture in your mind of the type of husband that you want him to be and pray boldly, confidently, and with thanksgiving for God to transform him into that man.  As you wait for God, continue to model good behavior for him according to 1 Peter 3:1-2 and praise him for his progress rather than complain about his shortcomings.